retro.speck.

i should've kept up the exercise. my body is wasted i tell you, wasted!! AYam! when you going to go jogging with me!!!

There is actually quite a strong streak of the teenage rebel angsty me of the 90s, left in me.:-) You don't believe me? Well then here's a review of my of(fences):

1.i have committed 2 traffic offences before even getting a proper driving liscense. What offences you might ask. I am perfectly willing to share but will do so at a more opportune time, once i get some resolution on stuff that might be happening.

2. I mumble incoherently, am inarticulate when talking to my parents, and I start disputes with my mother. Those of you who know me well enough should know why, but that doesn't make things any better that people know and might possibly understand. And i am not ready to blog about things pertaining to this matter...yet, or possibly never.

3. I occasionally bite back when bitten by rude, ungracious people. Like today at the city busport,when i realised i had forgotten to bring out my mobile that contained the account number of someone I had to transfer some money to in a bank in town. Thus i had to purchase a friggin' $5 Telstra phonecard in order to call home to get my housemate to check it for me.

I do not like ngeow (miserly)shopkeepers.

I don't like them all the more when they are rude to begin with.

And my rage culminates when they give me the once-over and proclaim their opinion of me in their sneering words and looks.

So the lady didn't allow me to borrow her precious pen so that i could write down the account number with: nevermind, its your pen, you are entitled to lend it or not. She just had to say:"you know i cannot allow this ok! Because thats what everyone says that they will return it.DO THEY??" That wasn't what got me heated up. But to push your stupid $1 dollar plus Kilometrico ballpoint pen to me and ask me to BUY it.

???????!!?!??!

Some more after i told her that i had to urgently call someone to copy something down.

The way i look at it, she could have asked me nicely:"I'm afraid i can't lend you my pen, but you might want to consider purchasing one of my cheat ang moh because in Asia these pens aren't worth even 80cents pens?"

I rolled my eyes, and mumbled its ok and walked out.

So what kind of a sissy rebel am I you might ask. Well let me tell you, my eye-rolling can have a very potent effect. You people out there, some of you know ok!

hahaha. Ok, so i do roll my eyes but they are not my ultimate defense weapon.

I seem to be running low of my infinite measure of patience. I know that I have been selfish, insolent, rebellious and angry and upset over a number of things that aren't so easily resolved.

Sometimes I feel like i was 15 again. When i was into wearing big t-shirts with Alternative/Death metal bands on the front and baggy jeans, with long one-length messy hair and un-shaped eyebrows. I wasn't a bad kid but it wasn't the persona and music and garb, it was the mindset and mental health I acquired at that time. I don't think 15 has been put entirely to death. I thought she was but well. Part of me wants to be 15 again because she had an excuse for nutty behaviour. She was young, naive and a first at most life-affecting experiences.

time to exorcise some past demons perhaps?

time to unhinge and allow God to speak to me again?

I wish i could stop being unhappy. But its not something you can turn on and off like water from a tap. Tonight I'm unhappy because i realise that a lot of me has been a lot of shit and that's not what I want to be. I am ashamed but I don't want to create a guise or hide stuff anymore. This year and the past 2, I have been humbled and brought to various lows that I never thought I would be in. And amidst all of this I know i have a loving family whom i have misunderstood and vice versa so many times but who still love me nonetheless, I have a wonderful partner all set to journey life together with me (smile: I love you dear)despite my neurotic behaviour and manic depressiveness.

For all of this, I want learn how to Give Thanks, despite All Circumstances.

Btw, I'm sorry if some of you are uncomfortable with my references to God and my spiritual life, but its my blog, my space and I hope you will respect that. I don't invite judgement, but I can't stop you if you insist on giving it. If you want to contend/ask anything about what i say it would be better to email me instead of leaving cryptic messages in comments. Sorry, but not the least bit apologetic. Im hanging my laundry,both dirty and clean out mah.:-)

They say blogs don't neccesarily reveal the true parts of the blogger's personality. I dunno if I can say that for my case.:-) And its not to whoever who reads this but to myself that I owe the responsibility to give the real deal at the appropriate time and place,a la non poseur (haha i don't even know if that's proper french)

Blogged out for tonight. In the meantime God bless you, and you and you and now I have an exam to revise for (and hopefully ace) :-o

amen.